I Have A New Reason To Hate Musicals

The Beatles' song catalog is a resilient thing for sure: in 40 years, the songs of Lennon, McCartney, Harrison, and Starr have been subjected to poor-quality CD releases, piles of superfluous compilations, ubiquity in sneaker commercials, billions upon billions of terrible cover versions and being owned by Michael Jackson. Yet somehow, The Beatles' best work resonates with many listeners (myself included) time and time again. It seems that no amount of abuse can damage the quality of these songs.

That is, until Julie Taymor decided to have a crack at it.

Beatle-haters can rejoice in their close-mindedness as Julie Taymor's musical film Across The Universe hits theaters this weekend. Meanwhile, the movie executive who green-lighted this project can be seen laughing all the way to the bank in utter disbelief that people would actually see this garbage. For those readers who do not know, Taymor's film is a movie musical set in the Sixties and comprised entirely of Beatles songs. Okay, there's the first problem right there. The Beatles' song catalog is a timeless thing, one that has stood up for decades while songs from the same era grow dated and obsolete. Who, then, came up with the bright idea of setting the film in the Sixties, thus making the story (and the songs) seem utterly outdated to everyone except aging Beatles fans and Jann Wenner? If one is trying to introduce these brilliant songs to a new generation, it would help if one wasn't charging one's audience eleven dollars for a history lesson.

Also, if one is in the process of introducing Beatles songs to a new audience, it would help if the new versions of those songs weren't among the least inspired renditions of the songs yet. Dana Fuchs tries her hands at "Oh! Darling" and "Helter Skelter" aiming for Janis Joplin but missing and striking Melissa Etheridge instead. Evan Rachel Wood, channeling Avril Lavigne's recent lifeless version of "Imagine" on the Instant Karma tribute album, leaves way too much syrup on "Blackbird", pretty much ruining one of the loveliest songs Paul McCartney ever wrote. However, no one quite screws with these songs like the lumbering, unsubtle Irish beast named Bono. Continuing his recent tradition of performing songs with the lumbering earnestness that makes U2 fans groan, he manages to be the center of the film's absolute lowest point with his earnest, fake-soul version of-I kid you not-"I Am The Walrus."

If any scene really demonstrates how Taymor and company got everything completely wrong in Across The Universe, it would have to be their take on "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" Once a loud, vicious sex song, Taymor uses it as an allegory for the draft and Vietnam. It ends up devolving into a gaudy dance number with men in military uniforms and terrible makeup while the draftees carry the Statue Of Liberty across a muddy terrain ("She's so heavy!" Get it?!). In an attempt to-I think-be dangerous and controversial (The scene definitely doesn't move or enhance the plot, much like every scene in this film), Taymor completely misrepresents the song in a mess of gaudy production, pointless choreography, and lots and lots of flash. The flash means absolutely nothing, though, and it does nothing for the songs that she uses. In the end, Across The Universe is the kind of movie that will most assuredly anger any true Beatle fan who sees it and can only satisfy the very young or the cinematically and musically inept. A cast of dozens and a million-dollar movie budget still can't replicate the genius that four lads from Liverpool engineered in a small studio on Abbey Road.



Help! The literal imagery is too much to bear!